8 years. It has been 8 years since my heart left my chest. 8 years since I looked upon that screen and knew in my gut what the tech didn’t want to tell me. You were gone and I never even knew your name.
Never in a million years did I think I would be pregnant at just 19 years old but I embraced it. I was in love, had always wanted to be a mom, and was up for the challenge. People say I was too young and things happen for the best. While they may be right the pain is not lessened by other people offering ‘comfort’ the only way they know how.
The years go by but the heartache doesn’t lessen. Some seasons of life I think about you more and there are others where you don’t cross my mind for a while. I then feel terrible for not thinking of you. It is a vicious cycle of thinking about you and being sad that you’re not here and being sad because I haven’t thought about you. ‘Tis is motherhood I guess, the mom guilt never dies.
This year though is extra hard. This year I became a mom all over again. To a baby I got to hold for the first time. Part of me dies a little inside when people ask if she is my first. How do you explain to someone that she ‘technically’ isn’t when you’re not here to show them? It is a hard thought to process. It leads to emotions I never thought I would feel.
This time of year also brings an extra ache in my heart for you when I see other kids your age going off to school. You would be 7 years old and I would be walking you to your first day of class as a second grader. Sometimes it is hard to comprehend how different life would be.
I am, though, finally allowing myself to talk about you more. To not be afraid what others will think, who they will tell, and what they will wonder. You were real, you were life, and you were loved. That is that.
I don’t expect the coming years will bring me any peace as every year I will have to relive August 18th and the events that unfolded that day. But I do revel in the fact that by the grace of God I will see you again. I will hold you like a mother is supposed to, I will kiss you like I should, I will rejoice knowing we will forever be together.
For now I will remember the weeks we had and know that you are in the greatest hands. Waiting to greet me again, but this time I won’t ever have to leave wondering why I never even knew your name.
With all my love and heart,